The weather

I’m going to assume you’ve seen any shit comedian’s routine and that you know the stereotypes.


“…and have you ever noticed how boys have penises and girls have vaginas?!”

How does one judge the weather? I think most people would agree that sunny days are a good indicator, whether it’s for going to the beach, playing sport, or just cultivating melanomas. According to the Bureau of Meteorology, Melbourne has 49 clear days per year, while Sydney has 104. That’s an emphatic win for Sydney. How about gloomy, cloudy days? Melbourne has 180 (yes, that’s half the year – the worst capital city in Australia!), compared to Sydney’s 133 (About a third of the year).

Just for reference, New York has 107 days of sun, and London has no data available, so I’m forced to assume they have 0.


Which is good, because according to this study, Londoners equate warmth to suicide.

Oddly enough, Sydney and Melbourne have the EXACT same number of days with 1mm or greater of rainfall, at 100.3 per year! But when it rains in Sydney, it pours. The average rainfall is twice that of Melbourne. So what would you prefer: hot and wet, or cold and dry? Of course, with climate change more of a “thing” than sceptics would have you believe, we might have to have another look at these figures in a couple of years, when our hoverboards and flying cars arrive.

“‘Global warming’? Sorry sir, that’s just scientist talk” – Kenneth Parcell, 30 Rock.

Sydney also has slightly greater humidity compared to Melbourne, which has two bonuses: making the weather seem warmer, and keeping my cigars fresh.


But not as fresh as some.

As for other factors, the two cities are more similar than you’d believe. Average daily maximum? 22c to 20c, Sydney’s way. Foggy days? 18 to 15, Melbourne’s way. Average wind speed? 11.6 to 11.7km.

But it does feel different. As a warm-bodied person, I’m struggling to adjust to this weather. Basic meteorology tells me that no clothing is needed, but society says otherwise. I hate society. Luckily, I live near the beach, so I’m subjected to lovely ocean breezes and I do have the ability to jump into the cool water if my nether-regions are too hot.


“Testes, cancel sperm production in 3…2..1…”

Ok, ok, I’m padding; Sydney does have a better, warmer, climate. Whether I like it or not. If you want to investigate this topic further, but with actual research and professionalism, click here. Sydney wins.

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Beaches

Most people love the beach[citation needed].Whether it’s the surf, sunbaking, or the occasional spot of nudity, we Aussies clamour for the chance to be near a body of salt-water. With 83% of Australia’s population living within 50 kilometres of the coast, and one of the longest coastlines in the world, we certainly have ample opportunities to enjoy some sun at the beach. Oh, and get skin cancer while we’re at it.
Living in Sydney’s south-east, I am privileged to be approximately 4.5 minutes drive from both Coogee and Clovelly beaches. Coogee is quite nice, but everyone knows that, which is why it’s always busy. As for Clovelly beach…well, it’s too narrow, the water is a bit dirty, and the slabs of concrete on either side really clash with the natural beauty.


                “Concrete. Because fuck you, nature.”

In spite of this, the waterside views In Sydney are quite remarkable. And I can see the ocean from my apartment, but only if I’m not currently in it


“Charming 2bdr with awkward ocean glimpses”

Having been to Bondi, and (the very-gay-and-desperately-macho-sounding) “Manly” beaches before, I can confirm that they are excellent. They are never going to be as good as a small-town beach, but for a place to swim that’s only minutes from the CBD and a stone’s throw away from heroin-addled hobos, these might be the best in Australia. Also, I’m told that Tamarama is the beach to go to for surfing. I’ll just have to learn how to surf first, so I don’t get into a fight with a Sydney’s version of Anthony Kiedis.


Like this, but with a Southern Cross tatt.

If you like beaches, but don’t like sand because your cleanliness borders on OCD, consider the Bondi to Coogee walk. All the fun of being at the beach and then walking away. I’m underselling it; the views on this walk are outstanding. I can’t think of another major city in the world that has access to a nature walk of this beauty.


“…and just past that bend is The Gap, kids. Nothing to see there. Nope, nothing. Seriously, though, don’t ever go there.”

And Bondi even has a reality show based around its beach. Perfect if you want to see English and Japanese tourists drown and then get resuscitated. Terrible if you like good television. I’m taking one point off Sydney for that.


    Because this is not entertainment.

Melbourne’s beaches range all the way from “filthy” to “bummer, dude”. In the bay, there is not one beach that is plungeworthy, especially after storms on Christmas Day in 2011 deposited a whole bunch of E. coli there. This caused almost every beach to be listed as “unacceptable” for swimming. And this is an ongoing thing: the EPA has advised Melburnians not to swim at beaches for 48 hours after any storm!


                           “Shitter’s full!”

To find a decent beach in Victoria, you really need to get down to Bell’s Beach, Torquay or further down the Great Ocean Rd. Otherwise, there’s Portsea, Sorrento, or Phillip Island  south-east of Melbourne. These aren’t really Melbourne beaches, though. These are day trips. And with Melbourne’s weather not known for its kindness (blog post coming!), I’m awarding this contest to Sydney, scoring 9 out of 10. Melbourne, on the other hand, gets a 4. When it comes to beaches, Sydney is a bikini-clad blonde, and Melbourne is a streetwalker with questionable STD results. Sydney for the win.