Most people love the beach[citation needed].Whether it’s the surf, sunbaking, or the occasional spot of nudity, we Aussies clamour for the chance to be near a body of salt-water. With 83% of Australia’s population living within 50 kilometres of the coast, and one of the longest coastlines in the world, we certainly have ample opportunities to enjoy some sun at the beach. Oh, and get skin cancer while we’re at it.
Living in Sydney’s south-east, I am privileged to be approximately 4.5 minutes drive from both Coogee and Clovelly beaches. Coogee is quite nice, but everyone knows that, which is why it’s always busy. As for Clovelly beach…well, it’s too narrow, the water is a bit dirty, and the slabs of concrete on either side really clash with the natural beauty.

                “Concrete. Because fuck you, nature.”

In spite of this, the waterside views In Sydney are quite remarkable. And I can see the ocean from my apartment, but only if I’m not currently in it

“Charming 2bdr with awkward ocean glimpses”

Having been to Bondi, and (the very-gay-and-desperately-macho-sounding) “Manly” beaches before, I can confirm that they are excellent. They are never going to be as good as a small-town beach, but for a place to swim that’s only minutes from the CBD and a stone’s throw away from heroin-addled hobos, these might be the best in Australia. Also, I’m told that Tamarama is the beach to go to for surfing. I’ll just have to learn how to surf first, so I don’t get into a fight with a Sydney’s version of Anthony Kiedis.

Like this, but with a Southern Cross tatt.

If you like beaches, but don’t like sand because your cleanliness borders on OCD, consider the Bondi to Coogee walk. All the fun of being at the beach and then walking away. I’m underselling it; the views on this walk are outstanding. I can’t think of another major city in the world that has access to a nature walk of this beauty.

“…and just past that bend is The Gap, kids. Nothing to see there. Nope, nothing. Seriously, though, don’t ever go there.”

And Bondi even has a reality show based around its beach. Perfect if you want to see English and Japanese tourists drown and then get resuscitated. Terrible if you like good television. I’m taking one point off Sydney for that.

    Because this is not entertainment.

Melbourne’s beaches range all the way from “filthy” to “bummer, dude”. In the bay, there is not one beach that is plungeworthy, especially after storms on Christmas Day in 2011 deposited a whole bunch of E. coli there. This caused almost every beach to be listed as “unacceptable” for swimming. And this is an ongoing thing: the EPA has advised Melburnians not to swim at beaches for 48 hours after any storm!

                           “Shitter’s full!”

To find a decent beach in Victoria, you really need to get down to Bell’s Beach, Torquay or further down the Great Ocean Rd. Otherwise, there’s Portsea, Sorrento, or Phillip Island  south-east of Melbourne. These aren’t really Melbourne beaches, though. These are day trips. And with Melbourne’s weather not known for its kindness (blog post coming!), I’m awarding this contest to Sydney, scoring 9 out of 10. Melbourne, on the other hand, gets a 4. When it comes to beaches, Sydney is a bikini-clad blonde, and Melbourne is a streetwalker with questionable STD results. Sydney for the win.


AFL vs. NRL – Part 2

This is it: the finale. As a quick recap, we’re trying to figure out if AFL or NRL is the best football code in Australia, and how they both compare to other countries’ codes. So far, we’ve covered foot skills, hand skills, and tackling. Here are the current standings:

NFL:      20
AFL:      20
NRL:     19
Soccer: 11

As you can see, it’s closer than an Austrian and his daughter at the moment. Let’s delve into the next category!


Speed is exciting, whether it’s motorsport or the organic kind. Not just player speed, but speed of the game. NRL does have bursts of speed, when the opposing line is broken, and the guy with the ball has to outrun his opponents like he’s trying out for Apocalypto 2. But the disadvantage of NRL players being so big and strong is that they’re not particularly fast.It’s just not their thing. The average NRL player runs between 5-8 kms per game, whereas AFL players are basically doing twice that distance. AFL seems to be one of the fastest team sports in the world, maybe second only to hurling. NFL has the fastest specialised runners, but the slowest gameplay outside of nursing home bingo. Soccer players have brief flashes of speed, and probably the greatest endurance. Too often, though, the gameplay is just about setting up an opportunity. I want action, dammit! Like 4 goals in 3 minutes, for example:

Speed scores:
AFL: 9/10
NRL: 7/10
Soccer: 5/10
NFL: 3/10

 ‘Wow’ moments.

What does that mean? Well, in every sport, there are rare occasions when you just go “WOW!”, like a crazy touchdown in NFL, a scissor-kick goal in soccer, or maybe a Jordan-esque dunk in NBA. In NRL, I think those moments are when someone gets tackled heavily or maybe a field-long try. However, this might just seem more impressive because the rest of game is as boring as NFL. In AFL, it might be a near-impossible goal to win a grand final, a heavy bump, a spectacular mark, or even this. What I’m trying to say is: AFL for the win.

Wow! scores:
AFL: 10
Soccer: 9
NRL: 8
NFL: 7


NRL is a structured game, with heavy emphasis on forwards holding the line, and backs doing the running. For some reason, NRL supporters think this is a good thing. I know another game that has plenty of structure and involves lining up against each other…

          Not present: excitement.

On the other hand, AFL is free from things like the offside rules and such, so they can invent things like flooding, pressing and other creative moves. Games can be scrappy, defensive, attacking, free-flowing, high-pressure, zoned, etc. I think that means a more interesting game, but NRL supporters can’t seem to grasp anything other than two brick shithouses crashing into each other, gaining “yardage”. Soccer also has a lot of structure and can be very difficult to score, or even attempt to score, which means a lot of frustration. NFL is all about creating and executing complicated and innovative plays, but they work so rarely and there is too much time in between them. Boooring.

Gameplay scores:
AFL: 9
NRL: 7
Soccer: 6
NFL: 5


Important elements for atmosphere include number of supporters, crowd-noise, stadium size, and general behaviour. Some of these are difficult to quantify, but not attendance figures! (Click on image to enlarge)

                                     Even the Canadians beat NRL!

I’m not saying that popularity equates to game quality, just atmosphere quality. Popularity is actually in NRL’s favour, as it involves Australia’s three most populous states (and heavily dominant in two of them), one territory, and a little country called “New Zullund, broo”. But if popularity means good tv, then apparently MasterChef and The Voice are the pinnacle of entertainment (spoiler alert: they’re not).

“I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'”—Jerry Seinfeld,

I digress. Back to the atmosphere. NFL, in addition to its massive crowds, also features other cool things like Tailgating (where you bbq dead animals and drink beer out the back of your truck before the game), and reasonably thought-out post-match events. Despite all this, soccer wins as I believe it’s the only sport in which supporters have to be segregated, or everyone dies. Win to the AFL

Atmosphere scores:
Soccer: 10
NFL: 9
AFL: 8
NRL: 5


NRL features the biggest, angriest men in Australia. When you put these guys together in competition, with all their ego and (human growth) hormones, emotions are bound to erupt. So, what do the fights look like?

Whereas NRL fights feature super-heavyweights, the average AFL combatants are more of your light-heavyweights, but they are much more feral. AFL players also seem to love the melee, and there seems to be a greater collection of AFL fights on YouTube. NFL has some ok fights, but they could really learn from NHL. Soccer fights are a joke, except for occasionally when 74 people die in a riot. Win to the NRL.
NHL: 10* (disqualified: we don’t have one half of the needed ingredients for “Ice” Hockey).
Soccer 3 (unless you count riots, then it’s a 10)


Final scores:

AFL:        64
NRL:       55
NFL:        50
Soccer:   47

I think that’s a clear victory for AFL, unless you value tackling or…or…well, that’s pretty much it. Also, AFL is the only sport actually invented in Australia. See you in the comments!

AFL vs. NRL – Part 1.

You knew this was coming.

I’m not sure what’s it’s like for a Sydneysider coming to Melbourne, but as a newly-arrived Melburnian in Sydney, this is the predominant part of my culture-shock. Just for the benefit of any international visitors, the states of New South Wales and Queensland follow rugby league (like the cities of Sydney and Brisbane), while the rest of the country follows Australian Rules Football (originating in Melbourne). Let me preface this post by stating that in AFL I barrack for the Melbourne Demons, which is a polite way of saying “I don’t give much of a shit about AFL”. Sure, it’s great to watch a game with some mates over a couple of beers, but I don’t live and breathe it. A lot of Melburnians do, including my girlfriend who is an unhealthily-addicted Carlton supporter. There are claims that footy shows “passion”, “spirit”, and other such nonsense. In all definitions, it is merely a game. I just think there’s more to life than screaming at grown men chasing a ball. Shouldn’t we be doing something about the world’s financial and environmental crises at the moment?

“Fuck the carbon tax, I wanna watch rich guys fight over nothing!”

However, I might be in the minority here. Each day, countless newspaper pages are glazed with poorly-worded articles from former athletes. And a lot of people really do enjoy their sports, and who am I to challenge them? It turns grown men into emotional teenagers, and emotional teenagers into this:


I think that explains that I’m reasonably impartial here. Let the judgement begin!

Firstly,  to the actual sports. If you’re unfamiliar with Australian Football or Rugby League, I’ll try to explain them as best I can for a guy who’s never played a full game of either. AFL, or ‘footy’, is a full-contact game where 18 men per side attempt to kick a football through large goalposts. If you kick a ball and it is caught, or ‘marked’ by a team-mate, they get to kick the ball from that location without being tackled; a ‘free kick’. Passing the ball is done by kicking or handpassing (holding the ball with one hand and hitting it with the other). Also, you must bounce the ball if you’re running with it, like dribbling in basketball. You can only tackle an opponent while they have the ball, and if they can’t dispose of the ball whilst being tackled, you are awarded a free kick. There are other rules, but that’s all you need to know for now. Look, just watch this video:

Now for NRL, or rugby league. Or, somewhat bizarrely, “league”, from the name of its governing body; National Rugby League. By that logic, one could call AFL “league” too. Please leave your rational responses to this statement in the “comments” section.

I don’t know enough about this game to explain it, but that won’t stop me from trying. A team of 13 heavy men take turns holding a ball and barging their way through the other team, so they can place a ball on the ground behind a white line; a ‘try’, similar to an NFL touchdown. Except without padding, of course. You can only pass by throwing the ball backwards, and the teams line up against each other like NFL, as opposed to being spread all over the ground like AFL or soccer.  If you score a try, you get a chance to kick a field goal, again, like NFL. In fact, rugby is pretty much like NFL, except that you have to stomp your way through unprotected man-flesh (no homo). I’m sure there are more rules to the game than that, but I’ll let Anna Mae Bullock elaborate:

So, what have we learned?  For one thing, this might have to be a two-part entry. It’ll take time to get to the heart of these games, to forever determine which code of football is the best. And while we’re at it, we’ll compare Australia’s best to two other versions of football: NFL and Soccer.

Before we do that, let’s quickly explore an issue of semantics:

I propose we rename NRL to Tackleball and NFL to Padded Tackleball to avoid any claims of false advertising.

Ok, ok. Let’s start the in-depth analysis.

Hand skills

In NRL, a fumble can be extremely costly, so the backwards pass and catching it are essential. Also, holding on to the ball with one hand while shoving 110 kilograms of anger out of your way is impressive, but not skillful. NFL is similar to rugby, but with greater speed, distance, accuracy and cute gloves. In AFL, you need to be able to handpass a slippery (real) leather ball in every direction. Marking the ball, often while contested, is also a big part of the game, and can be done like this…

Hand skills scores:
AFL: 8/10
NFL: 7/10
NRL: 6/10
Soccer: DNF

Foot skills

This is where soccer shines. Obviously the best foot skills in the football world, by a large margin. In NRL, you need to be able to…run? Rarely, you need to kick the ball. The NFL is similar, but with black guys running, and even less kicking. In AFL, you need to be able to run while bouncing an oval-shaped ball and evading opponents. Also, you need to precisely kick the ball, often more than 50 metres, to your teammate or through a (large) goal. It can’t really compete with this, though:

Foot skills scores:
Soccer 10/10
AFL 7/10
NFL 4/10
Rugby 3/10


There is some absolutely insane tackling in NFL. I know they have their pads and their helmets, but it also seems like they have no rules about almost paralysing blokes. Despite this, it feels like I’m watching UFC with sumo-suits, or a Ferrari with training wheels (patents pending on both these ideas). AFL does have some good tackles, but they are nowhere near as ferocious, as the emphasis is on avoiding the penalty for being tackled. Soccer has the slide-tackle. Hardly worth mentioning. NRL, however, is where you need to be able to surrender your physical well-being and to the biggest, hardest dudes in sport. No question. This is what they’re all about. NRL win.

Tackling scores:
NRL: 10/10
NFL: 9/10
AFL: 5/10
Soccer: 1/10

Well, that’s it for this post. I’ve got another 5 categories for you next time, so we can finally decide which game is crowned “King of Aussie Football”. Here are the standings so far:
NFL:      20
AFL:      20
NRL:     19
Soccer: 11

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!